Will the real adult please stand up?

I am thirty-seven. I have a husband, two children, too many pets, a house, a car and a job. I also feel like I am pretending to be an adult, and that at some point, the entire world will realize that I’m flying by the seat of my pants and would really rather be serving frozen libations from a thatched hut somewhere tropical and homeschooling my happy albeit sunburned children whilst Rob fishes for dinner in an impossibly blue ocean.

I don’t really want a mortgage, and rather than feel proud that I Am Part Of The American Dream, I feel trapped by the grasping claws of a not terribly ethical financial institution. As far as what goes into the home… Combining digital readouts and water is the most counterintuitive thing ever – so I do not feel the urge for the latest and greatest dishwasher, washing machine or refrigerator. I’ve read review after review explaining how front loading washer/dryer combos have to be carefully cared for so as to not develop mold and suspicious odors in the seals. Really? I want to put dirty clothing in there to get rid of yucky things and would rather not be fostering the growth of more yucky things. So despite the red gorgeousness of the LGs, I’ll have to take a pass there as well. Dyson similarly fails to enthrall. Yes, the Australian accent draws me in, as does the thought of a purple vacuum. Purple is fun, ergo vacuuming would also become fun. Plus – that ball! It’s like a big toy that sucks up dirt. The baglessness of it all stops me cold; I do not want to re-see that which I just removed from my carpeting.

Home improvements. I have a new fence and am about to get a new roof. (crickets) No tingle of excitement down my spine.

PTA. I just don’t know what to say. I’ve joined, but have yet to attend a single meeting – I fear what I have to say regarding fundraising would make my children the “spawn of that woman” for the remainder of their school years. Would it really be so difficult to just write a check? I do not need cookie dough, gift wrap, cheap kitchen goods made in China, cheese logs or cases of Coca Cola. Side note – seriously? We all happily hop aboard the Jamie Oliver bandwagon, demand that this be removed from our schools, and then have our children sell it in bulk to bring home? The fact that this fundraiser information came home with the Jump Rope for Heart paperwork was just delicious. Back to the issue at hand. It is my understanding that schools receive approximately 40% of the revenue from fundraising sales. I would happily write a check, see the entire amount benefit the school, and keep my home free of junk food and clutter.

Smart phones. I know I’m supposed to want one, and Rob’s is fun to play with. Mostly because he has not replaced the broken screen on my adorable pink netbook and I need to do the social when he’s upstairs with the real computer. My position was solidified last night as I watched a mother clear three chairs and two children at Chuy’s to squeal “Did I just get a text?” and snatch Angry Birds away from her two year old. I could understand it if she was waiting for verification of a Supreme Court appointment, but somehow I doubt that was the case.

Office politics. I do not care who said what to whom or why. Someone should commission a study on the seemingly positive correlation between neutral walls, cubicles and human capacity for drama.

Please do understand that the surfeit of snipe and “I” statements is well fueled by a lack of sleep and the fact that I’m starving and yet do not feel like expending the energy necessary to make a sandwich. But I will have that thatched hut someday.

Oh yes, I will.