Confession time...

I have a time or two alluded to my ongoing weight struggles that began sometime in late 2007 and continue as of July 3rd 2010. I'm not going to post any numbers, but let's err on the side of kindness and say that I have a full-on mom figure, the figure I swore I'd never allow. A figure that keeps from wearing what I want to wear, doing what I want to do, and sadly, going where I want to go. I'm not morbidly obese, but neither am I the person I picture in my mind's eye on the very rare occasions that I think to picture myself in my mind's eye. In fact, I have a humorous tendency to stop short when I catch my reflection in a store window. Who is that person and why is her backside so large?

I can't blame pregnancy - I successfully lost the baby weight and then some after both girls. I'd love to be able to blame my thyroid, but those numbers came back normal last month. It's a sad day indeed when you hang a serious amount of hope on the possibility of systems failure. The doctor offered me a weight loss supplement, but of the many many things I not need, prescription stimulants are in the top three. Rob says I'm high strung, but I prefer... Hell. Who are we kidding? I'm high strung.

No, what I blame is lack of control and early childhood. It was so amazingly easy when Sage was nursing and Ashton thought green beans were haute cuisine. Now, despite earnest efforts to the contrarily, I do give in to the treat monsters. I bake rather than buy (Bless their hearts, they both prefer our kitchen to any commercial bakery.) and I'm just not the kind of girl who can stop at one cookie. I desperately want to be that person, but so far she eludes me.

My other bugaboo is a bad day at work. God help me, all it takes is one minor disaster and I'm stopping for pizza on the way home - and the crazy bread that arrives at our house will mysteriously be short two pieces. It's even worse if I leave work hungry. There is simply no telling what brightly lit sign will beckon and whisper that really, cooking is simply beyond you at this point.

So what to do. I'm a weight watchers veteran, used it successfully to lose weight after two babies. If I have the tools, I have the know-how, I have the membership, meetings, books, scales, recipes, even brand new pots and pans. Why then, can I not seem to use any of it?

Maybe I'll quite boringly journal these efforts. Maybe not. In any case, baby steps this week. Cook at home, exercise daily and drink more water than Diet Coke.